We are waiting to see what happens next. The agencies are in Samoa trying to sort things out. Theoretically there is still a chance ours could get through, but the way the media is reporting it in the Pacific I really don't think it's going to happen. I guess we'll have more information in a few weeks when the agency workers are back.

Waiting

Still waiting for the final word from Samoa. News reports from New Zealand and Samoa don't sound promising. I am still hoping against hope that things will work themselves out.

Things don't look good. The latest news is that all but one minister signed off on the new law - effectively preventing overseas adoptions. The law goes in front of the Prime Minister now. The new law requires that all adoptions be approved by the Attorney General's office. Unfortunately the Attorney General in Samoa is vehemently against Samoan children being adopted by "strangers".

While I understand the sentiment, my heart aches for these poor children who are already in foster care because their families cannot afford to support them. How I wish we had been able to bring the boys home before this all snowballed. :(

You know how they say that losing a child can destroy a marriage. I get it now. It hurts like nothing else but I get it. Things are falling apart in Samoa and I can't stop brooding. Phil, on the other hand, wants to work on the yard. I want to hash and rehash. I don't care one whit about the yard today. I know it's his way of dealing, of distracting himself, but I feel that we're being pulled apart.

I am desperately trying not to lose hope. I know - I think - that this is in the Lord's hands and worrying will get me nowhere. I don't have it in me to type all the details out now but I really fear that we are not going to be bringing these boys home. My heart is breaking.

Thinking out loud

I am getting so depressed about the adoption. Our agency is down in Samoa trying to get to the bottom of this. I started thinking maybe if this referral fell through we would just go with another agency. I haven't talked to Phil about this but I like the idea of open adoption (which the other agency does) so I emailed them today about fees. Unfortunately there is no way we can afford to do this over again.

Sometimes I think Heavenly Father knows something I don't: that now is not a good time for us to go get the boys and bring them here. But if we dont do it now I don't think we ever will. It makes me really sad.

In July we have to pay for another homestudy update. We only have a portion of the travel money so we can't really afford that. I wonder if its going to cost way more than we can imagine.

We really truly did think this is what Heavenly Father wanted us to do. I don't want to be out two years of my life, and all this stress - this has been really hard on our marriage - and our money, just to help them out. And I know that sounds selfish.

I want to do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to do but I am having a hard time wanting that.

I keep thinking about the women I know who got pregnant without charting and stuff, just letting go and trusting Heavenly Father. But it's so hard to do that .

What if we were supposed to adopt back then but because we didnt save up fast enough we missed that opportunity? Or something, I don't know. I'm very frustrated. I don't know. I hope we get an answer soon but I am afraid of what the answer is. I'm afraid it's no and we have accomplished nothing, and it has been so stressful. I'm even afraid it's yes and that I can't be a good mom now that the twins are here.

I know Heavenly Father knows but I am having trouble relying solely on faith. If anything I am learning to be patient and rely on God. Or at least I am learning that to some degree. It's not coming easy but I'm trying harder than I was.

The twins had their first taste of cereal today.

Taran is contemplating life.

I'm not sure I like this, mom.

Indigo is willing to give it a try.

Naiya and Gibson, playing ponies

The best of friends

A baby in a bag

Whoops!

Today was nice. I woke up with a raging migraine after not sleeping well last night because of the pain. I phoned my dr's office to see if they'd call a prescription in here for me and was told that they'd "try, but there's a 24 hr turnaround". Grrrr.

Brandi brought me chicken, salad, water, Pepsi & Ibuprofen and after consuming that I was able to lay down and sleep for several hours. Much to my amazement I woke up feeling great.

We went to Old Town today. It was awesome. I bought some neat souvenirs for the kids and Phil and I loved just seeing the shops. An employee in one shop told me that there are over 100 shops in Old Town. She said many of them go unnoticed by tourists because they're located in alleys and back entrances.

After dinner in Old Town I came back to the hotel to read my book and watch t.v (something I never do).

New Mexico or bust

I've been planning a trip for a few months, out to New Mexico to see my friend Brandi. I just love being around her. She's so darn funny, and a sweetheart to boot. I intended to go back in April but it just didn't happen. We rescheduled for this weekend, which is even better because I want to see her sweet new baby boy.

When the friend I was going to drive down with couldn't go, I decided to fly instead. The hard part was choosing which baby to bring. I wanted to bring both, but it's good I didn't. There's no way I could have held both on the plane and it turns out Brandi didn't have room for yet a 5th carseat in her minivan.

So here I am and it's been great to see her and catch up on things. The bad news is that I got hit by a debilitating migraine, probably brought on by dehydration, lack of eating, and the overwhelming smell of smoke in my non smoking hotel room. I'm miserable and I just want to have fun and enjoy my trip.

I cut my hair cut again. I wanted something shorter (read easier) for my trip to New Mexico.



I'm trying not to make self deprecating remarks, so I'll refrain from commenting on my double chin.

I did not breastfeed my oldest. I did not know anyone in real life who was breastfeeding at the time (my mom had) and I was returning to work at 6 weeks postpartum and didn't want to deal with pumping. I considered it, but quickly decided against it. With my next two I did not breastfeed because I didn't know how, and figured it was too late to learn. I almost tried and wish I had. When I breastfed my 4th child I was astounded at the difference in the way I felt about her and bonded to her. I really feel like breastfeeding made me a better mother in many ways. I went on to breastfeed my 5th as well. The twins are nursing and getting supplementation and in many ways I still feel like a failure about that. I've told myself that the others who had bottles were fine, but I know in my heart that breastmilk is far superior to formula.

The twins last night outside the Mayan restaurant.

Last night I got together with several friends from an LDS parenting board.  We went out to eat.  It was so much fun!  My sister Tara (on the left) was holding Taran for me.  I'm on the far right.

A better picture of my haircut.