Thinking out loud
I am getting so depressed about the adoption. Our agency is down in Samoa trying to get to the bottom of this. I started thinking maybe if this referral fell through we would just go with another agency. I haven't talked to Phil about this but I like the idea of open adoption (which the other agency does) so I emailed them today about fees. Unfortunately there is no way we can afford to do this over again.
Sometimes I think Heavenly Father knows something I don't: that now is not a good time for us to go get the boys and bring them here. But if we dont do it now I don't think we ever will. It makes me really sad.
In July we have to pay for another homestudy update. We only have a portion of the travel money so we can't really afford that. I wonder if its going to cost way more than we can imagine.
We really truly did think this is what Heavenly Father wanted us to do. I don't want to be out two years of my life, and all this stress - this has been really hard on our marriage - and our money, just to help them out. And I know that sounds selfish.
I want to do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to do but I am having a hard time wanting that.
I keep thinking about the women I know who got pregnant without charting and stuff, just letting go and trusting Heavenly Father. But it's so hard to do that .
What if we were supposed to adopt back then but because we didnt save up fast enough we missed that opportunity? Or something, I don't know. I'm very frustrated. I don't know. I hope we get an answer soon but I am afraid of what the answer is. I'm afraid it's no and we have accomplished nothing, and it has been so stressful. I'm even afraid it's yes and that I can't be a good mom now that the twins are here.
I know Heavenly Father knows but I am having trouble relying solely on faith. If anything I am learning to be patient and rely on God. Or at least I am learning that to some degree. It's not coming easy but I'm trying harder than I was.
Sometimes I think Heavenly Father knows something I don't: that now is not a good time for us to go get the boys and bring them here. But if we dont do it now I don't think we ever will. It makes me really sad.
In July we have to pay for another homestudy update. We only have a portion of the travel money so we can't really afford that. I wonder if its going to cost way more than we can imagine.
We really truly did think this is what Heavenly Father wanted us to do. I don't want to be out two years of my life, and all this stress - this has been really hard on our marriage - and our money, just to help them out. And I know that sounds selfish.
I want to do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to do but I am having a hard time wanting that.
I keep thinking about the women I know who got pregnant without charting and stuff, just letting go and trusting Heavenly Father. But it's so hard to do that .
What if we were supposed to adopt back then but because we didnt save up fast enough we missed that opportunity? Or something, I don't know. I'm very frustrated. I don't know. I hope we get an answer soon but I am afraid of what the answer is. I'm afraid it's no and we have accomplished nothing, and it has been so stressful. I'm even afraid it's yes and that I can't be a good mom now that the twins are here.
I know Heavenly Father knows but I am having trouble relying solely on faith. If anything I am learning to be patient and rely on God. Or at least I am learning that to some degree. It's not coming easy but I'm trying harder than I was.
posted by Adria at 4:03 PM
2 Comments:
Our youngest child was adopted, and it is an open adoption. If you ever have any questions, just email me (christinemoers@hotmail.com).
You might also look into adopting a child from foster care. In most states, you don't have to do foster-to-adopt, but you can simply adopt a child that becomes available (and the foster family will not be adopting). This is VERY affordable, and you can request an age range.
I'm in Texas, so I'm not sure of the legalities in your state.
My heart is breaking as well, but I know that you are loved and cared about, just like the boys are.
You're in our prayers.
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