My heart is breaking. I can't and won't go into specifics right now, but I don't think I've felt this much emotional pain since my mom died. I trust matters are in the Lord's hands, and there are moments when I feel completely at peace and accepting, but overall everything hurts. I'd forgotten it was possible to hurt this much.

Adria vs the yeastie beasties

I'm still battling yeast. I do eat too much sugar, and I can't manage to give it up. Right now I'm taking diflucan again, and using Newman's ointment topically. I'm not treating the babies with anything but I am sterilizing bottles and pacifiers. We're still nursing! I've started up the domperidone again. I'd hoped to have eliminated the yeast, but at this rate who knows how long that will take. Right now they both nurse a couple of times during the day, and I exclusively nurse at night whenever possible. Indigo must be having a growth spurt because she used to sleep most of the night and lately she nurses all night long.

I weighed the babies 2 weeks ago. Taran weighed 15 lbs and Indigo weighed 12.

I got a new hairdo today.

The "before" picture is about a month old but it features my ever-present ponytail. I am not a huge fan of the ponytail but somehow by day's end my hair always ends up that way.

And here's the "after" shot. The picture isn't the most flattering - I took it myself with a digital camera in one hand and a baby in the other - but you get the idea. I wanted something short, but I worried I'd regret cutting it all off. So far, though, I love it.

We took the family for a picnic in the mountains.

Talysa, grabbing a snack.

Adria and Taran

Kaniho and Sarek, thrilled to be using the slingshot and air gun

Sarek (no rocks were hurt during this photo)

Indigo slept the whole time

Gibson, before the fall in the river which left her scared, wet, and cold

Phil demonstrating to Talysa and Sarek

CTTS (cute things they say)

My 2 year old: "Mommy, I can't poop. Will you help me poop?"

My 4 year old: "Santa Claus isn't real. I wish Santa Claus was real. Is Mrs. Claus real?"

My 9 year old: "I remember what you told me about sex, but do you have to do that EVERY time you want a baby?"

Water woes

The paramedics knocked on our door yesterday with a letter in hand announcing that the city water has been contaminated with e coli. We have to use bottled water until further notice. Thank goodness we have a dishwasher that sanitizes, but it's a real pain to wash our hands and brush our teeth with bottled water. I asked Phil, does that mean we don't need to wash our hands after changing a poopy diaper? Yuck.

My babies are growing up

Taran rolled over today. I didn't actually see it, but he's been trying desperately for a few days now and when I looked away for a second and then looked back, he was lying on his tummy. Indigo will grab and hold her bottle when she's hungry. My babies are getting so big. I miss the sweet newborn baby stage, but they are starting to cry less and smile more and now I know I will survive twinhood.

Tonight I went to visit a neighbor who gave birth to twins 6 days ago. These are her first children, and she's struggling with breastfeeding. She asked me for help but I don't feel qualified to advise her. Breastfeeding has been so difficult for me this time around. I've battled yeast over and over - I have it again after 2 courses of diflucan! - as well as low supply and other issues. I feel very lucky that the babies are nursing even a little at this point.

My neighbor's babies are so tiny, and it made me so sad that mine are 3 1/2 months already. I haven't enjoyed their babyhood as much as I wanted to, because every day has been so difficult. It really makes me sad.

Blogs I'm reading

Chez Miscarriage
Emily's Evolution
Now & Then
Partial to the Bean
Phoebe Gleeson
Punky Ma
Sacred Space
Spilling the Milk
Walk-a-Mama